Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The future is gone.

I just found out that the last of the foam Xanadu houses was demolished in October. How did this not make national news? While everyone was reading about frivlous news like bird flu, the future of history (or history of future) was razed in Kissimmie, Florida. I remember visiting one of them in Gatlinburg, Tennessee sometime during the eighties. It was already getting out of date in some ways. At the time, CDs were already available, but Xanadu's 'futuristic' sound system featured a vertically-mounted linear tracking turntable instead. Much of the home automation was controlled by Apple ][+ computers, when our forward-looking family already had the much more sophisticated //c. The only thing that Xanadu had that I've yet to see in common use is the inductive magnetic range top. It's still kind of sad for me, as I loved seeing and visiting Xanadu, but it's gone forever. It's a wonder that it got any visitors in 1996 when it finally closed to the public.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

My dog Snotz

Hey, if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d!ckless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a$$, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s#!+ he is. Hallelujah, holy s#!+! Where's the Tylenol?

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Chri kiss my...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Pepsi Holiday Spice

Looking for Pepsi Holiday Spice? Yeah, me neither. I'll also find some way to get by without the following others:

Pepsi Blue
Mountain Dew Code Red
Mountain Dew Pitch Black
New Coke
RC Draft
Crystal Pepsi

Monday, December 12, 2005


You ever realize that the future depicted in Back to the Future is now only 10 years away? We're closer to the future now than we are to the movie, but a few things are missing.
1. The flying cars. This has been a dream since at least the fifties, and it's still a bad idea. Someone may make it happen sometime.
2. The holographic movie trailer that nearly scared Marty to death. I can't say I'm too anxious for this one, either.
3. Impossible to open Pepsi bottles. It looks to me as if the bottles and cans of today will probably make it that long.
4. The double tie. Old Marty, Needles, and The Jitz have a bizzare collar setup on their shirts that allows a mirror-image double tie set. Better make sure this one is perfect before being released on the public.
5. The fresh fruit dispenser. The thing that came out of the cieling that seemed to grow fresh fruit is a good idea, except that it would require some maintenance. Also, cops don't like people that keep grow lites hidden in their homes.
6. Dust resistant paper.
7. Max Headroom-ized waiter resembling Michael Jackson, Ayatollah Khomeini, etc. Keep it.
8. Self-cinching shoes; self-sizing, self-drying jacket. I kind of like this one.
9. Thumb-activated door. This one is ready for reality, but I don't want one. Since I read that a clever Japanese researcher was able to fool one with a photo-mould and a gummi bear...
10. Light up curbs.

Sorry, Cubbies. Ten more years.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Time after time.

I can't believe how often I'm caught unprepared for the stupid and sick things that people do. It's enough that everyone is living in my city (without my permission), sometimes stinking it up with armpit stench or old automobile exhaust, but it gets worse. I was at the grocery store the other day, and I walked into a cloud of fart that someone had left behind for me. I don't normally 'crop dust' without having a specific target, but noone could've been targeting me because they weren't even there to know who was coming. Not only did their Shrek-like stench nearly make me gag, but they didn't hang around for me to suggest a proctology appointment.

A few hours later, I went to the library to study and gather some materials. I sat down at a carrel and almost immediately touched someone's still wet booger left behind under the edge of the table. Twice in one day!